All this talk of the upcoming performance of a "different" Messiah reminded me of this little gem which I believe may have been posted to Vocalist in one of its earliest years of existence. Enjoy!
Warning -- contains adult themes; parental guidance advised :-) :
>The Messyah
> Thus saith the Lord, the Lord of Toast: > "Yet once a little while, and I will bake > the breads and dessert, whole wheat and the rye-bread; > all bagels, I’ll bake, with the desire of all noshers for some. > The chef whom ye seek shall certainly send you a sample, > ev’n by messenger with an oven mitt (which ye fit right in); > Behold! Even buns!" saith the Lord of Toast. > > cf. also "The crumpet shall brown," below. > > But who may abide the bray of his strumming, > and who shall stand when he premiereth? > For he has liked to get minors sired. > > For he shall surely buy, > For he shall surely buy,--a ton of Levi’s; > That he may offer unto the horde > an offering of "righteous" dress. > > Behold! A sturgeon shall bite Steve, and take his gun, > and shall hold a flame to Samuel. > Cod with us. > > O thou, that sellest good siding to Brian, > Get thee up unto the accountants... > > There were shepherds, imbibing in the fields, > drinking scotch over the rocks by night. > And lo! the urge to smorgasbord came upon them > and a glorious aroma round about them; > they thought they had it made. > But the waiter said unto them, "Here? Not! > for behold, we’re out of smoked salmon and cream cheese. > Take your spree to those people: > For you will find across the way, in the Cafe' of David, > A flavor which is spiced--galore!" > > His yolk is over easy, his breakfast is "lite." > > All we, asleep, still have to play; > we have yearned, every one for his own pay. > > Thou art gone onstage high, thou art gone onstage high! > Thou hast held the Cabernet captive, and enough gin for ten, > Yea, even for thine enemas! > Front row, poor sods, thou fell among them! > > Thou shalt fake them with their rotten high runs, > Thou shalt thrash them, those pieces, while thy daughters wrestle. > > The Lord saved the herd: > Great was the humping among the creatures. > > How beautiful is the seat of him that teaches the sophomores in Greece, > And fits so tightly in good jeans... > > Since by van came Beth, > by van came also the headboard section of the bed. > But has she had some more pie? > Even just one slice, with all that stuff inside! > > The crumpet shall brown, > and the bread shall be raised--it smells wonderful! > (Are those eggs free range?) > > Oh Beth, where is thy thing? > Oh Dave, where is thy d*** for me? > The thing of Beth is thin, > and the length of his is quite long. > > But thanks, thanks be to Todd, > Who playeth us the timpani through our long winter nights. > > Honolulu! For I would rather be on vacation! > The thing about this world is the sun; > Get me a seat on board tomorrow’s flight, tomorrow’s flight, > And catch those rays for ever and ever. > Fling of flings, and scores of whores, Honolulu! > > > > --compiled by G.T. for the December 1993 _Philharmonia Baroque > Musician_, the newsletter of Philharmonia Baroque > players. (c) PBM 1993 > >
-- Explain it as we may, a martial strain will urge a man into the front rank of battle sooner than an argument, and a fine anthem excite his devotion more certainly than a logical discourse. ~ Henry Tuckerman ~ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Lana Mountford lana@a... Seattle, WA
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