Dear Lisa -
I had similar feelings when I heard that girl sing. My regret was that she
had such freedom and skill in singing at 16, where I am 29 and still have
so far to go. I too was constantly being praised for and impressing
people with my voice when I was younger, starting when I was 11-12. I
just gravitated toward music, and had a great ear and learned really fast
and easily. Everything was easy for me, and I raked in the praise and
attention. Then, something happened. I stayed at my current level, while
the people around me started getting better than me! Why? Because
they had been taught how to work and persevere, where I didn't know
how to do anything but rest on my talents and natural abilities. For
whatever reason, I was never given those tools, that knowledge that
there are goals, and then you work for them. Sounds crazy, but it's true.
So what did I do when the going got rough? I just gave it up! And
looked for the next easy thing. Over and over! Now I am re-entering
university at age 29, starting from the beginning in music classes - Ear
Training and Musicianship 1, Class Piano 1, etc. I auditioned for the BM
performance major, but they said they wanted to start me out in the
traditional BA program and see how I do in the lower division. Then I
can re-audition for performance. Just goes to show my pretty voice
alone won't just let me slide through whatever I want anymore.
I think the only thing to do is mourn for the past you feel you've lost, and
then get on with the present, because that is all we have! And beating
yourself up NEVER EVER EVER helps with ANYTHING positive!!!
So please forgive yourself. . all of us are always only doing the best we
can with what we are equipped with - see what positives came out of
your decisions in life. Also, see what the context was for you, and see
what makes these decisions or actions understandable and how they
made sense to you at the time. Most of us aren't just raving lunatics with
no rhyme or reason to why we do things - even raving lunatics have
reasons that make sense within their internal context! So it helps to
understand what the internal and external context was at the time.
Usually our actions and feelings are not so horrible and stupid as we
make ourselves believe. Human beings make sense more often than not -
you just have to look at yourself (and others) as a subject, not an
object.
Take care,
Karena
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