From my cousin the trumpet player/high school music teacher:
Subject: Music Director Wanted....
> > > WANTED:> > >
>
> > > Music director for major symphony orchestra,
>
> > > hereinafter referred to
>
> > > as M(ajor) S(ymphony) O(rchestra).
The MSO is seeking a conductor at the highest international level,
meaning that he must already hold a minimum of two other time-consuming
and energy-sapping positions, preferably each on a different continent.
Because experience is paramount, and because the search committee is
petrified at the prospect of trying to assess the talents of younger
conductors, the MSO will give strong preference to candidates who are at
least fifty years of age, unless Simon Rattle becomes available. Female
candidates are invited to apply for this position, with the understanding
that the chances of a woman actually being hired are about the same as
the chances of John Ashcroft being invited to Gloria Steinem's house for
dinner.
Since the MSO is an American institution and deeply proud of its place
in our national cultural life, American conductors will be grudgingly
considered for this position. American applicants are strongly encouraged
to have either been born abroad or to have worked in Europe for most of
their careers, so as to impart to clueless board members a reassuringly
cosmopolitan air. Special consideration will be given to foreign
candidates with charming accents.
All applicants must demonstrate a command of, and an overwhelming
personal preference for, the tried-and-true standard orchestral
repertoire. At the same time they must be able to feign enough interest
in contemporary music to cash in on any big-ticket grant opportunities.
Relatedly, the successful candidate will take no meaningful position with
respect to the question of revitalizing or modifying in any way the
concert experience itself, although he will from time to time be expected
to say that this is an interesting idea that should be explored.
The MSO will require the new music director to spend a minimum number
of weeks with the orchestra. Ideally that number will be large enough to
permit him to memorize the name of the doorman at his apartment building.
Also the address of his apartment building.
Off the podium, the new music director will be expected to appear at a
reasonable number of achingly stiff post-concert receptions, and
occasionally even dine with a small group of addled elderly donors. The
music director will also be encouraged to be available to the media, and
to work into all interviews the phrase, "...a very special privilege for
me to make music with this world-class ensemble."
The salary of the new music director shall be commensurate with whatever
grotesquely bloated and indefensible fees he currently pulls down. As a
matter of policy, and to look good in the trades, the MSO guarantees to
match the applicant's highest current salary plus 20 percent.
To help the search committee evaluate billboard and album-cover
potential, each applicant is asked to forward an 8-by-10 color glossy of
himself wearing either: (a) a full-length overcoat fashioned of buttery
soft Napa leather; or (b) a comfortable Eddie Bauer flannel shirt and
some jeans.
The MSO will not consider any applicants whose materials arrive after
the published deadline, with the exception of really desirable
candidates, or certain veteran journeymen who might suddenly be vaulted
into the running if the early phases of the search yield basically
nothing. The search committee's decision will be made within the next
year, or two at the most, and will be announced in irritating increments
via newspaper articles based on incomplete information leaked to critics.
Elizabeth Finkler
Sunnyvale, California
mightymezzo@h...
http://home.earthlink.net/~mightymezzo
"If you must be wrong, be wrong at the top of your voice!" --Lucy Van Pelt
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