To: vocalist
Date sent: Mon, 13 Dec 1999 12:00:07 -0500
Subject: Fault Finding
Send reply to: VOCALIST <vocalist>



Dear Friends,
Sometimes it's really tough to figure out if you're going to offend, hurt
or annoy someone else when expressing an opinion. We can believe
our intentions are completely innocent and still manage to offend
someone else. Should we just not ever write anything?

For every right to, isn't there an equal and opposite right not to? What is
it that tips the scales of discretion versus indiscretion to one side or the
other? Is it in the common good? Would we be as apt to say something
that could be construed as offensive if the object of our humor were
present?

OTOH, do we really want the world to be a place where no one is
allowed to express anything because it might potentially offend
someone else in some unforseeable way? We have free will don't
we?

When is offense too easily taken?

Do we really want to exercise such freedom of expression that it exploits
another human being's dignity or harms them in any way if we aren't certain
about the sensibilities of each member of those within our sphere of
communication?

Could it be a matter of intent?

The physicians says "First do no harm." I think that's a correct sentiment,
but not quite complete enough. I believe it ought to be "First intend to do
no harm." But intent is so hard to prove isn't it? And it's so easy to intend
to hurt and cover it up later by lying and claiming innocence.

Some people are even adept at lying to themselves about such things.

Intent does begin to be observable over a sufficient length of time. For
instance, if nearly every time one posts to this list, another poster, always
the same guy, picks apart, twists your words and refuses to even try to
understand your intent, it becomes pretty apparent after a while that they
intend to ambush you or make you look as bad as they can every chance
they get simply because they dislike you for some reason.

I confess, I don't understand why that kind of person does such things.
Maybe they feel that by humiliating or denigrating someone else, they
will appear to be better in some way? Maybe they came from a home
environment where such behavior was the norm, Perhaps they simply
don't know any other way? Maybe they're evil? Though I don't believe
anyone is completely evil.

Bottom Line:
There are those who post to serve the general good and there are
those who post to serve only themselves. It's a matter of intent and we
all pretty much can figure out who has such intentions. I must also
confess that I believe little can be done to change the thinking of the
self serving. One can always hope though.

Nobody's perfect, least of all me.:-) True Story:
A few months ago, I was at a rehearsal and was swapping jokes with a
fellow cast member. Without thinking, I started to tell the old joke about
the one-eyed guy (one of his eyes is wooden) who's therapist sends him
to a dance to help him get over his shyness because of his wooden eye.
He sees a cute little club footed girl across the floor and finally works up
the pluck to ask her to dance (thinking to himself that she's less than
perfect, like him). He asks her to dance and she replies "Oh, wouldn't I,
wouldn't I!!!!" Which causes him to scream "Club foot! Club foot!". Just as I
finished the joke, I turned back around and noticed that one of the people
in the room, two seats away, had a withered arm and was looking at me
with the strangest expression of disappointment and compassion I'd ever
seen. I felt so bad, I was sick to my stomach. The man is a member of my
church. He has since treated me as if it never happened, apparently forgiving
me even when I've had a tough time forgiving myself. What if it hadn't been
him there and someone else who was justifiably bitter and less forgiving?

I hope we are all intelligent and mature enough to understand the difference
between laughing with, laughing at and that it is often determined by our
circumstances. If there's a chance that anyone in our audience could be
offended, and we know about it, should we plow right on ahead?

BTW, my son was recently rediagnosed with Schizoaffective Disorder
instead of Bipolar Disorder. He struggles bravely every day and I'm proud
of him.

It is better to be flawed and compassionate than perfect and without
compassion.

Peace on earth, to all people of good will!
Warmest regards,
Les